There are many reasons why you don't say no when you really want to.  You may feel guilty, you don't know how to, or you are worried about hurting someone else's feelings.  Some other grounds for not saying no are you think you are expected to say yes, you don't want to be criticized, or you want to be accepted.

You should always say no to anything immoral, unethical, or illegal.  Any involvement in these types of activities has negative consequences and will always come back to haunt you.  In these cases you don't have to be concerned with offending someone or hurting their feelings.  You don't have to justify yourself or explain your actions.  A simple no is all that is required.

It's the innocuous requests for your time or money that can be difficult to decline.  You know that you shouldn't say yes and often regret doing so sooner than later.  People who don't know how to say no often find themselves sacrificing their own well being as a result of attempting to satisfy all of the requests made of them.  You may want to decline discretionary requests when you don't have the time, desire, or knowledge needed.

You have an obligation to take care of your own needs.  This is not being selfish.  Unless you are OK, you are not in a position to help anyone else.  Saying no is appropriate when saying yes is detrimental to you.

There are situations where sacrificing yourself is appropriate and expected.  Parents sacrifice for their children.  Military, police, and firemen put themselves at risk for the sake of others.  Even in these cases, the people make every effort to protect and care for themselves so that they may be in a position to continue to provide help.

You must also take care of your financial needs.  You don’t want to give so much money to others that you don't have enough resources for your own needs.  If you put yourself in a position where you depend on the charity of others, you can’t help anyone else.

Say no to those requests that jeopardize your well being.  Say no to those things you don't have time for or that don't fit your values or goals.  Say no to those things you can't afford without jeopardizing your financial situation.  Decline any request that will put you in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.

People wanting to borrow money, your car, or any of your possessions that you are worried about are some examples of situations you may want to decline.  Many of these requests are inappropriate and shouldn’t be made in the first place.  If someone will take offense at being turned down for something they shouldn’t have asked for, there is no real friendship that is being put at risk by your saying no.

Listen to your intuition.  That little voice inside that tells you to say no is typically right.  How many times have you looked back in hindsight wishing you had paid attention to your gut instinct?  If you either want to say no or should say no, then say no.

You can say no to requests from other people while being polite.  The key is to decline without using the word no.  Here is one suggestion. “Thank you so much for asking.  I appreciate that you were thinking of me.  I’d love to be able to but unfortunately I have a previous commitment.”  Be polite yet clear that you are not available to fulfill the demand for your time.

Leaning to say no when appropriate will give you more control of your life and eliminate needless stress.  All it takes is a little practice for you to become comfortable with this strategy.

NOW AVAILABLE:  "Dare to Live Without Limits," the book.  Visit www.BryanGolden.com or your bookstore. Bryan is a management consultant, motivational speaker, author, and adjunct professor. E-mail Bryan at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or write him c/o this paper.  2011 Bryan Golden

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