“How do you know if she’s the one?” my young friend asked me earlier this summer while we were trolling for pike.

I didn’t know how to answer him.

It’s complicated.

Love can sneak up on you, unlike infatuation, which can take your breath away.

Love is an action, infatuation a feeling.

My young friend was struggling with his feelings, dating two women, infatuated with both, but unsure of how to take the next step.

I simply told him “If you’re dating two women, you’re not ready.”

I forgot about that conversation until I saw a trailer for the new movie How Do You Know?

The following is an attempt to answer his question. Although in the end, you never really know. The divorce rate proves that. The best you can do is share enough time under different situations to collect the data needed to propose a shared path.

If you invest that time and you can say yes to most of these questions, you’ll know. Keep in mind this is only one man’s perspective.

Would you rather spend time with her than with the guys?

Has she become your best friend, that person you can tell your secret dreams to without fear of ridicule?

Do you have the confidence she will support you in pursuing them?

Are you willing to do the same for her?

Have you found a woman who will hunt beside you as an equal? Or, have you found a damsel in search of a hero? Choose the woman, the damsel will always be in search of a new hero.

Are you willing to sacrifice a step on your career path so she can take a step up on hers?

Do you share the same values and interests?  A shared perspective provides a sense of security and comfort when facing the challenges of a changing, uncertain world.

Are you excited about exploring the differences between you?  Sharing her interests in music, art, books and hobbies can be exhilarating while expanding your horizons.

Are you willing to take her to a “chick flick” rather than the action-adventure movie you’re dying to see?

Do you want to make her happy more than you want to make yourself happy?

Do you volunteer to be the designated driver?

Can you develop an athlete’s memory? Good athletes have short memories. They forget quickly poor execution in game situations in order to focus full attention on the next play. You both will execute poorly. You will bicker, yell and argue. Can you forget, forgive and focus on the next day without harboring resentment?

Does she allow you to be yourself, or does she need to “fix” you? Be wary, if the latter, but be willing to change some habits.

Are you willing to eat quiche?

Have you developed the ability to listen and to provide feedback to prove you are listening?

Are you her biggest fan?

Do you respect her expertise?

As a single man, you are the only one writing the movie about your life. You have chosen your friends, your career, your hobbies, your sports, you spend your money and time as you see fit. Are you willing to share a by-line?

Romantic love is both a feeling and an action. Poets can answer the question “How do you know?” better than I can. I’ll quote two of them. My song-writing son, A.J., captured love as a feeling in his song, Jelly & Jam. He wrote, “I’m falling so heavy that I’m losing reality…She’s the morning and I’m the dawn and I smell coffee.”

When a woman awakens your senses like the smell of coffee, she increases your energy for living as well as your desire to smell her scent, taste her lips, feel her touch, see her smile, hear her laughter and share the day with her. But, this is just the beginning, for love is also an action. That’s best expressed in the song, If I Should Fall Behind by Bruce Springsteen. He writes this about growing old together: “Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees, I’ll wait for you. And, should I fall behind, wait for me.”

So, my young friend, if you answered yes to most of these questions and you are willing to wait for her when she falls a step behind, then that’s when you will know. Invite me to the wedding. 
  

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