“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else – you are the one that gets burned.”

There’s a common misconception that our anger has a negative impact on someone else.  In reality, anger, resentment, and bitterness, harm only you.  Yet how often have you felt that your anger would hurt the offending person?

You have probably said to yourself, “that person makes me so angry!”  However, no one has the power to control your emotions.  How a person acts is up to them.  How you respond is up to you.  Although this is a simple concept, it’s still common to feel as if another person is making you feel a certain way. 

There are numerous sources of anger.  Typically you feel anger when someone does something you don’t like or in reaction to unfavorable circumstances.  Even your own actions can cause anger; when you make a mistake or a bad decision.  Bad luck also evokes anger.  Feelings of anger are intensified whenever you believe you are powerless or unable to take mitigating action. 

Anger, resentment, and bitterness cause many problems.  They are often accompanied by sadness, depression, and anxiety.  You may also feel tense, irritable, or frustrated.  Your tolerance level drops and you tend to lash out at others.  You are also more likely to blow things out of proportion.  Additionally, anger diminishes your ability to think clearly.

Whether it be with a spouse, significant other, relative, or friend, anger damages relationships.  Whenever you say things you don’t mean or behave in a destructive manner, you alienate all those you come into contact with. 

There are no benefits to harboring anger, resentment, or bitterness.  It’s to your benefit to be able to identify when you are experiencing these emotions and then immediately take corrective action to pull yourself out.

You need to be in touch with your feelings so that you know when you are getting angry.  Although this seems obvious, there are those who don’t realize they’re angry.  This is because they are so used to living with a constant level of anger that it has become their normal emotional state.

It’s important to understand your sensitivities.  Once you detect anger, you must identify the source.  Is it another person, your own actions, or circumstances?  Remember that you can’t go back in time so don’t waste any energy lamenting the past.  Once you recognize the origin of your anger, you can formulate a plan to dissipate it.

Don’t take action when you are angry.  The heat of the moment is the worst time to make decisions.  Give yourself some time to cool down.  In many situations, the immediate rush of anger will diminish substantially if you allow a cooling off period.  This strategy also gives you a chance to put things in perspective.  When you are calmer, the offending issues will appear much more insignificant than you initially thought. 

Next, determine whether you have any control over what made you angry.  If it is something outside of your influence, all you can do is work on your response.  You can’t control your environment but you can control your reaction.  Don’t waste any time trying to change something you have no power over.

For those issues you do have some control over, take action.  Doing so will immediately make you feel better.  When you take action you are being proactive rather than passively waiting for things to improve. 

With practice you will be able to substantially reduce any anger, bitterness, and resentment you experience.  Regardless of where you are now, you can improve.  It’s an ongoing process.  Keep at it.

NOW AVAILABLE:  "Dare to Live Without Limits," the book.  Visit www.BryanGolden.com or your bookstore. Bryan is a management consultant, motivational speaker, author, and adjunct professor. E-mail Bryan at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or write him c/o this paper.  2010 Bryan Golden

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