Everyone wants to be understood.  We experience frustration when we are not.  In most interactions we would like to convey our thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs.  However, communication problems often arise because all parties involved are simultaneously striving to be understood, with no one seeking to understand.

This scenario happens even during courteous, polite discussions.  So while one person is talking, the other is contemplating what to say next, rather than focusing on listening.  The result is little or no meaningful interaction.

To understand before being understood requires you to first pay attention to what is being said.  The goal is to hear the words as well as seeking to understand what the other person means.  A full understanding requires an awareness of more than just the words being spoken.  One has to observe body language, tone of voice, volume, and facial expressions.

This entails total focus on the other person.  You want to observe all the details.  Communication is much more than the words used.  It's also how it's being said.  If you are busy thinking about your own response, it's impossible to accurately perceive the other person.

Learning to concentrate on the other person, in order to understand what they are saying, takes practice.  Start by monitoring your thoughts while you're listening.  Chances are you'll be surprised by your lack of focus.  The ultimate goal is to have all of your attention on the other person so you are really hearing rather than thinking.  You can get there, but it will be a transition process from your current habits.

After listening, and before responding, ask questions to verify your understanding.  By so doing, you will demonstrate your concern.  Additionally, you will immediately correct any misinterpretation.  When someone feels you are interested in what they are saying, the chances for an effective interchange are substantially increased.

When you fully understand the other person, you are then in a position to respond appropriately.  Only by recognizing what is being said, will you be able to reasonably decide what to say, and how to say it, in order to have yourself understood.  If your response is based on a misunderstanding, any subsequent remarks you make will be ineffective.

Once you understand, what is the best approach to be understood?  First of all, know what your objective is.  What are you trying to accomplish?  Your goal is to convey your thoughts in a manner that will enable you to accomplish your objective.  Remain calm, speak clearly, and address your issues.  When you are feeling angry or upset, your ability to think logically and act in your best interest will be diminished.  Postpone any conversation until your emotions subside. 

What you say should be in terms that the other person can relate to.  Attack the problem not the person.  Asking questions such as, "what would you do in my situation?" are very effective in getting the other person to understand you.  Making insulting or derogatory statements will prevent you from achieving anything positive.  Furthermore, they can make a situation worse, creating additional problems.

Communication is not a battle or contest.  If no one is listening, there is no point in talking.  At least one person must be trying to understand.  Ideally it should be all involved.  Arguing is not communicating.  Arguing results in an exacerbation of problems.  Shouting is also pointless since it usually causes the other person to either shout back or walk away.  Insulting or degrading comments are just as destructive.

Once you understand, you are in a position to be better understood.  Remember this principle and your interaction with others will be much more productive.

NOW AVAILABLE:  "Dare to Live Without Limits," the book.  Visit www.BryanGolden.com or your bookstore. Bryan is a management consultant, motivational speaker, author, and adjunct professor. E-mail Bryan at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or write him c/o this paper.  2008 Bryan Golden

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